Insane.

This is how I feel. Insane. My s/o is half way across the country and I'm just sitting here. Venting to a computer screen. We argued today because I want to go to my work's late Christmas party, he doesn't feel comfortable. I wasn't going to drink, and only stay an hour. He wants me to stay 1/2 hour. Mind you we can't text, call, Skype, nothing but email. I have no idea what they're doing there. It's just upsetting because I dealt with this all the time like 2 months ago. I allow myself to be controlled by someone I don't see. What am I going to do about it? Absolutely nothing. Why? Because the fear of losing them overcomes every other thought. Crazy? Beyond it. I have to hide my pain from everyone I see. People say I'm always so happy and cheerful. My secret is to just hide everything I feel until I'm alone. I could be the saddest person in the world and still walk around with a smile on my face. I think that makes me pretty strong. Maybe. Why don't I just leave? When you love someone enough, you stick through the good AND bad. Not matter what. No one's going to see this anyway. I don't care. I'm just so sick of hiding everything inside and having so much patience and caring so much. That shit is harmful.